I'm not making this up--I couldn't if I tried. In my inbox in recent weeks has been notice of a new play by some recent Columbia grads called Heist, opening soon at the Sargent Theatre. I probably shouldn't give it attention, but the press release is such a multi-car pileup, I can't resist. Here it is in full, more or less:
THE FUNNIEST PLAY EVER WRITTEN IN ENGLISH
OPENS JUNE 11th, SARGENT THEATRE
THEY STOLE EVERYTHING.
THEY COULDN’T GET HER VAGINA.
An attention-getting start, no question. It goes on:
“HEIST” concerns the logistical problems experienced by a pack of thieves on the night they intend to rob a jewelry store that is inconveniently located behind a small theatre that is opening a one-woman show. Because the show is about the exquisite results of politically-correct clitoral explosions, the diamond burglars need to time their dynamite blasts with the star’s orgasms.
Not an easy feat. You try it.
I'll get right on that. Oh, but here's the punchline. Wait for it, wait for it...
“HEIST” clearly points out the sagacity of waiting for a woman to climax.
Ain't it de truth. For the record, the playwright is Paul Cohen, the director is Kris Thor (who, another release informs us, is tasked with "designing the detonation of all explosive materials both destructive and vaginal"), music is by Frank Sinatra and Duke Ellington, and, perhaps most saliently, the press agent is Judy Jacksina.
If the release weren't entertainment enough, I direct you to Broadwayworld's dutiful posting of the release, where the addition of the tempering word "arguably" lets you know that someone reads these things before putting them up.